Minimum Bandwidth
When last I wrote, I ran a liturgy of my past few years. It felt good to get that out in the open, for all the reasons, but the truth is the days' keep churning. Time waits for no one.
Today is the last day of April (um, how did that happen? ah yes… time waits for no one.), and I am entering a new chapter. Cosmically, this is happening for all of us, but that is not my concern. My concern is my experience because it is just as valuable as anyone else’s AND because it relates to everyone else’s. Yes, I am a humanitarian at heart, but these past few years have really shown me that I must take care of myself first before I can help someone else put their oxygen mask on.
This morning I awoke, and I was taken aback my morning thoughts. As I began to transcribe those thoughts here, I realized this is not the forum for those thoughts. A book sold on this site—Yes. This journal post—No.
But what I can say here, what I want to say here, is that Mental Illness / Mental Health is still so misunderstood. I am not saying that I know everything, but I am an expert in my own experience. These blogs have been helping me refine my thoughts and direction for this website, and my corresponding output to the world, and this morning I got more insight. This morning I was reminded that my own experience, my own voice, isn’t just intrinsically valuable, but it is necessary for myself and others to better understand each other. In the past, we used travel and literature to understand each other; now it’s social media and websites.
I don’t know what’s next, but I have to show that I’m trying. I’m working it out. I know I want to advocate for Mental Health in a non-clinical way. I know I want to share my experiences. I know I have a unique spin that recognizes the impacts of trauma AND the biological truth of Neurodiversity. Even as I build a tax and accounting business. Even as I pursue other interests. What holds me back are all the words people have said to me about “doing too much”. But what if too much is my sweet spot?
So what do I mean by my title. I mean that I am pulling back from a lot of things. I have because of work, but now I am because of overt choice. My trauma has prevented me from doing things I want to do; now my Neurodiversity is requiring that I do them. Which means I have a minimum bandwidth for nonsense, other people’s agendas, and things that don’t interest me.
Max Headroom… Minimum Bandwidth.
Perhaps this And-Both will bring me the balance I personally seek so I can help others find their balance in their unique mental health experiences.
Only Time will tell, and she waits for no one. Glad I’m on that train! =:]
Max Headroom
What a couple of days. Things are changing, and I have to admit that I am maxed out. I’m feeling like I just can’t recuperate from the past 3 years: abrupt job change due to a hostile work environment; stop-gap job #1 at a fast-casual sandwich chain; COVID-19 outbreak; quarantine—except that I was an essential worker so I kept working; civil unrest from the George Floyd incident; stop-gap job #2 at a grocery store, still an essential worker; brought in a roommate to help with life’s expenses; turns out he was crazy, drunk and super-toxic; decided to move to AZ to be closer to family because I couldn’t find a job that met my needs AND the roommate had become dangerous (emotional/mental/physical); sold off and packed up my life into a 5x8 Uhaul and drove across the country on a wing and a prayer in June 2021. Wait… there’s more. Lived in my family’s basement for 3 months while I worked at a restaurant feverishly; battled 118 degree heat with no air conditioning in my car; contracted COVID Delta variant in August 2021; lost a best friend of 16 years to Vaccine-Mania (we didn’t agree on the issue & it caused a huge rift that continues to this day); moved into my own home with all those responsibilities. Wait… there’s still more. In February 2022, I walked into my job—a job I LOVED—only to find out that ‘effective immediately” my income was being cut in half. Terrified, I negotiated myself back to a decent rate & prayed feverishly for God to handle it; in late May 2022, I procured a part-time job with a CPA and rediscovered my affinity for the work (the abrupt job change mentioned at the top was at a tax office); continued to work 6-day workweeks in order to meet my obligations; survived a second desert summer with no car A/C; Wait… there’s still more; “lost” another friend to her mental instability (took me over 3 months to process the grief); as December closed in, my 12.5 year old car began making crazy noises (uh, stress); in January I purchased a new car (by the grace of God) AND began school for my Enrolled Agent Certificate of Completion with the express intention of qualifying to be an Enrolled Agent (that’s a tax preparer who can represent clients with the IRS but who isn’t a CPA); found out this schoolwork was more intense and wonderful than expected; had continuous work drama (restaurant) that made me so stressed I can’t quite describe it; Wait… I’m almost done; simultaneously, tax season was a doozy for my CPA boss, but we got through that, too; completed my tax course with a B, Accounting is wrapping up fast, and my computer class is increasing in workload; but then, this past Saturday, I lost my temper at the restaurant and 24 hours later, I got my final warning for my intensity. It doesn’t matter that it has been acceptable for as long as I’ve been there; it only matters that it’s no longer acceptable. At least I wasn’t fired, but I’m one mistake away.
Yeah. I’m in a bit of a Place.
But, why am I writing this here? What reason could I possibly have to share all these details? Oversharing again? Cheap therapy? Fixation? Social skills challenges?
Uh, no. I’m sharing all these details intentionally for these reasons:
You can be High-Functioning Neurodiverse and handle a lot of stress.
Because I am Neurodiverse, I don’t fit in large groups. This is why I don’t work a corporate job. Too many politics. That doesn’t make me a bad employee.
COVID-19 really did change everything, and the ripples continue to roll.
Mental Health is so important.
I want Neurotypicals to understand High-Functioning Neurodiverse Adults a little better. Not everyone on The Spectrum rides the short bus. I also want my fellow NDs to know they aren’t alone, that maybe something I rattled off will resonate hope to them.
I could keep going with this post, but I’m exhausted writing this much.
But the point I want to make is at some point, Survival Madness must calibrate back to happy living. I told a client recently as she dealt with her elderly father’s health emergency out of town, “Be careful not to let this emergency become your new normal.”
We’re all changed from COVID-19 and the stress that came with it. And we cannot return to the pre-pandemic normal. But, we can calibrate ourselves and our lives to a New Normal that isn’t rooted in Emergency, Urgency, Chaos, Madness, or Fear.
As of this writing, I don’t have my personal solutions, but posting this has gotten the ball rolling. It’s time for a major perception shift; one that is unlike any I’ve ever had and that will result in personal lifestyle changes. But, I must make it, lest I slip into the heritage I’ve spent a lifetime overcoming. Mental Health isn’t a buzzword or an idea for me; it’s my purpose.
I wonder if slowing down will help things… ha!
Postscript: I forgot to mention that I’ve also continued coaching my ND clients continuously during all my personal changes, and now I’ve begun the AndBothLiving enterprise. Yeah, okay. I think I can stop trying to prove myself to myself and trust that I’m fine—now and in the future. I’m not crazy, even if the world makes me feel like I am. It’s a process…
Going Live Today
And here we go!!
I’ve been working on this website for a couple of months—has it really been that long??—and now I’m setting her free because of a class assignment. The assignment was to start a blog, nothing serious, but that’s just not my style. Life has meaning for me, so my class assignments need to, too. And, if I read the instructions correctly, this blog and Project NO qualify because I began this during this class. And, I’ve added posts that are current.
But meaning is not the only reason I’ve chosen to use this blog and website as my assignment submission. I’m also being prodded by Spirit to move forward with this vision. So perhaps this post is a good time to write about the vision for this website, especially since my last journal post was less focused. I think this is my best description yet.
andbothliving.com is a lifestyle website full of resources for Neurodiverse Adults and the people who love them. There will be resources addressing almost all the lifestyle needs including financial, time management, cooking, housekeeping, social skills, and whatever else falls in the purvue of lifestyle. But I also intend to include a section on spirtuality and how I see God. I have thought about this for a long time, questioning if this is the right place to publish those thoughts. But in my life, God is a major part of my lifestyle so I simply can’t leave God out. I know it will be controversial, but this is my platform. And besides, anyone who isn’t interested doesn’t need to click on that page! I just simply can’t leave that part of my life out. Whole truth.
So, while I’m a bit nervous about going live because this site is not where I wanted it to be when I did go live, I am also excited to see what happens. Never a dull moment, huh?
A month later…
Clear road through wintry landscape
… and I’m making another journal entry. That’s actually funny considering that I’m also taking an accounting class right now so yeah… journal entry.
I am glad that I have committed to this website and Project NO which is a separate blog. In the time since I first set this up, I’ve realized that this website is really a publishing and consumer products company rather than a services company. It doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to me via email if you have a coaching or speaking engagement request, but really, this is my outlet for my writing projects and consumer products ideas that I want to share with the world. I guess you could say this is my way of putting what I’ve learned into the world to help the next person AND my way of taking care of myself now and in the future BOTH.
It feels good to see that more clearly.
So, stay tuned as best you can. As of this blog post, I still haven’t made this website public because I am still working out the design and structure of it. I am blogging so you can read how certain things have come together, even if it’s after-the-fact. Nothing wrong with that. It just means I’ll have content for you when I do publish.
Thanks for reading. Until next time…
It’s official.
AndBothLiving.com is alive.
I’m still working out details, etc., but I want to make a note of when she got her name and when I brought her home from the trial-period hospital.
As of this post, the site is still private as I need time to flesh it out and add the elements I want to add. But I have to say that of all times I’ve set up a website, this is by far the easiest and most fun. Thank you SquareSpace!!
Now it’s time for bed and to rest my bones. It was a busy day today for a million reasons, and tomorrow will have her own demands.
It started with a single step.
Today, February 7, 2023, I launched this website.
What. A. Relief.
This is my third attempt to codify all the things in my head into something I could share with the world. It is also a day that has come after months of listening to Spirit, searching for clarity, stumbling over words, repeating ideas into my voice recorder and notes app trying to manifest what I feel called to do.
Is it a business? Is it a calling? Is it both?
Being Neurodiverse is difficult for me because of the lack of support and understanding all these years. The unfortunate result has been an overdeveloped lack of confidence in myself, which only adds to the spinning and grinning and swaying and playing. But somehow, some now, I’ve pulled it together enough to start. The tides have changed, and not only is the confusion dissipating, but the support is strengthening, too.
What a relief.
No more contemplating or inquiring. No more chasing wild ideas down rabbit holes only to find everything upside down again. No more delaying that which I know to be true for me.
But, it will take time and more than a single step.
So, if you’ve just stumbled upon this website & wish there were more resources posted, please be patient with me. I’ve only just begun, and it will take time to build. But, I’m excited about this new adventure, an adventure that will be tucked into spaces I didn’t know I had, an adventure I pursue now that the old one is complete.
What a relief.