Max Headroom
What a couple of days. Things are changing, and I have to admit that I am maxed out. I’m feeling like I just can’t recuperate from the past 3 years: abrupt job change due to a hostile work environment; stop-gap job #1 at a fast-casual sandwich chain; COVID-19 outbreak; quarantine—except that I was an essential worker so I kept working; civil unrest from the George Floyd incident; stop-gap job #2 at a grocery store, still an essential worker; brought in a roommate to help with life’s expenses; turns out he was crazy, drunk and super-toxic; decided to move to AZ to be closer to family because I couldn’t find a job that met my needs AND the roommate had become dangerous (emotional/mental/physical); sold off and packed up my life into a 5x8 Uhaul and drove across the country on a wing and a prayer in June 2021. Wait… there’s more. Lived in my family’s basement for 3 months while I worked at a restaurant feverishly; battled 118 degree heat with no air conditioning in my car; contracted COVID Delta variant in August 2021; lost a best friend of 16 years to Vaccine-Mania (we didn’t agree on the issue & it caused a huge rift that continues to this day); moved into my own home with all those responsibilities. Wait… there’s still more. In February 2022, I walked into my job—a job I LOVED—only to find out that ‘effective immediately” my income was being cut in half. Terrified, I negotiated myself back to a decent rate & prayed feverishly for God to handle it; in late May 2022, I procured a part-time job with a CPA and rediscovered my affinity for the work (the abrupt job change mentioned at the top was at a tax office); continued to work 6-day workweeks in order to meet my obligations; survived a second desert summer with no car A/C; Wait… there’s still more; “lost” another friend to her mental instability (took me over 3 months to process the grief); as December closed in, my 12.5 year old car began making crazy noises (uh, stress); in January I purchased a new car (by the grace of God) AND began school for my Enrolled Agent Certificate of Completion with the express intention of qualifying to be an Enrolled Agent (that’s a tax preparer who can represent clients with the IRS but who isn’t a CPA); found out this schoolwork was more intense and wonderful than expected; had continuous work drama (restaurant) that made me so stressed I can’t quite describe it; Wait… I’m almost done; simultaneously, tax season was a doozy for my CPA boss, but we got through that, too; completed my tax course with a B, Accounting is wrapping up fast, and my computer class is increasing in workload; but then, this past Saturday, I lost my temper at the restaurant and 24 hours later, I got my final warning for my intensity. It doesn’t matter that it has been acceptable for as long as I’ve been there; it only matters that it’s no longer acceptable. At least I wasn’t fired, but I’m one mistake away.
Yeah. I’m in a bit of a Place.
But, why am I writing this here? What reason could I possibly have to share all these details? Oversharing again? Cheap therapy? Fixation? Social skills challenges?
Uh, no. I’m sharing all these details intentionally for these reasons:
You can be High-Functioning Neurodiverse and handle a lot of stress.
Because I am Neurodiverse, I don’t fit in large groups. This is why I don’t work a corporate job. Too many politics. That doesn’t make me a bad employee.
COVID-19 really did change everything, and the ripples continue to roll.
Mental Health is so important.
I want Neurotypicals to understand High-Functioning Neurodiverse Adults a little better. Not everyone on The Spectrum rides the short bus. I also want my fellow NDs to know they aren’t alone, that maybe something I rattled off will resonate hope to them.
I could keep going with this post, but I’m exhausted writing this much.
But the point I want to make is at some point, Survival Madness must calibrate back to happy living. I told a client recently as she dealt with her elderly father’s health emergency out of town, “Be careful not to let this emergency become your new normal.”
We’re all changed from COVID-19 and the stress that came with it. And we cannot return to the pre-pandemic normal. But, we can calibrate ourselves and our lives to a New Normal that isn’t rooted in Emergency, Urgency, Chaos, Madness, or Fear.
As of this writing, I don’t have my personal solutions, but posting this has gotten the ball rolling. It’s time for a major perception shift; one that is unlike any I’ve ever had and that will result in personal lifestyle changes. But, I must make it, lest I slip into the heritage I’ve spent a lifetime overcoming. Mental Health isn’t a buzzword or an idea for me; it’s my purpose.
I wonder if slowing down will help things… ha!
Postscript: I forgot to mention that I’ve also continued coaching my ND clients continuously during all my personal changes, and now I’ve begun the AndBothLiving enterprise. Yeah, okay. I think I can stop trying to prove myself to myself and trust that I’m fine—now and in the future. I’m not crazy, even if the world makes me feel like I am. It’s a process…
