Days 9-21: PN23

Project No Derailed.

Yeah, so, it’s amazing how easy it is to walk away from the thing that is holding you together because it’s actually holding you together.

I didn’t notice that I hadn’t written a blog entry here until Day 15 or 16. Then I kept “not writing” for a few more days.

Why? Why did I not write when I knew that I was so committed to this project?

  1. I continued to put it last in my day, so it was really easy to say “tomorrow” because of the day’s exhaustion.

  2. I was feeling good enough, aka strong enough, from the benefits of the project that I thought I could handle it.

  3. I don’t have a real desk. I don’t have a cleared dining room table… which means that I’m working in bed with my computer on the floor nearby when not in use. It’s really easy to see opening up the computer as a hassle when there’s no structure. Never underestimate the importance of a dedicated space for anything—cooking, sleeping, writing. The works.

  4. I’m still getting used to this idea, and well, I got tired of being so absolute about saying No. When something isn’t your nature or your habit, it can be very difficult to sustain, especially with so many things happening demanding—YES, DEMANDING—your attention.

But, boy do I regret not following through with this! Granted, follow through is difficult for us on the Neurodiverse spectrum, but that’s not an excuse for dropping this ball. Instead, it’s a cautionary tale. Fortunately, I have learned a lot from this choice, and here are a few highlights.

  1. I stopped putting myself first. When I was saying NO to so many things, I was actually protecting my space and my time and my emotional bandwidth. Like any addict, I slipped into old habits because I didn’t maintain the healthy strategy, and suddenly I was exchanging my time for other people’s insecurities again. The only one that I feel good about was the 2 hours I spent visiting with a newly-widowed neighbor. Sure, it took a lot out of me, but my soul knows it was the right thing to do.

  2. I became less able to stand up to a no-longer-good-for-me person, and so that madness is stretching out across months instead of weeks or days. It’s a complicated thing because I am only now truly able to see who he really is, but if I’d been blogging daily, my awareness of my own inner strength would’ve supported me, and I could’ve addressed it head-on instead of avoiding it like I have been.

  3. I put one of my jobs ahead of my dreams, and now today, I’m aware that I need to say YES to this project and website and NO to allowing that job to consume me. I came home in tears today because of the continuous conflict and immersive immaturity surrounding me. It’s not just drama; it’s becoming madness.

  4. Mental health is more than just self-care and being well-adjusted. It’s living the life you desire. I’ve been on that discovery path for so many years—seeking, asking, questing—and I’ve found my answers! But my abillity to say NO and defend my life and path is still incredibly weak. I got tired more easily than I thought possible. I didn’t know how valuable daily persistence and crafting really is. I’d forgotten that social self-preservation is a skill to be practiced, and these 12 days have shown me that my blog isn’t a burden or even a habit; it really is a practice.

  5. I want to stop pressuring myself with format and expectations about what I write in this blog. The only thing that defines this blog is my practicing saying NO to what others want so I can say YES to what I want. The daily post will take care of itself because it will organically stem from whatever is happening in my life at the time.

I’m coming to the end of my first term at school, and all that diligence to meet external deadlines has shown me that I can do this. At the beginning of January, I didn’t have the resolve and self-focus skills that I have now. Pursuing a certificate of completion to further my financial goals has taught me more than just the material in the classes. It has shown me that I can do this. I really can. I just need to say NO more often and to more things than I realized.

Am I where I want to be with all of this? No. Did I make a mistake by missing these 12 days? Yes. Is it part of the process? Absolutely.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Adjustments in small increments is what will make the difference. Like a battleship needing to move her heavy carcass to achieve a better heading, I, too, will adjust my mindset and my behaviors in small degrees so that they really stick.

Until tomorrow.

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Day 22: PN23

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Day 8: PN23