Day 22: PN23

Good morning! Yep, I’m posting in the morning as part of my Getting Ready Routine, and I’m happy about it. I don’t know if every morning will go this easily, but I’m grateful for today.

This morning I awoke from a dream where Brendon Fraser was flirting with me, and as wild an idea is that is, it certainly makes for a delightful way to start the day.

I am still left with the anger and frustration from yesterday’s upsets, but at least I’m feeling more like a Gandalf facing The Creature than a weeping willow. Don’t make me use my staff, People!

But this leads me to an interesting thought. Part of yesterday’s debacle was that a manager who doesn’t like me was talking behind my back unflatteringly. What was told to me by someone I trust (for the time being… I’ll need more evidence for that to grow, but that will require time and trusting to evolve) is that this manager said, “Mollie is so weird. What is wrong with her.” He’s a jerk, and I know it, but I don’t broadcast it.

Here’s the deal: I’ve been facing this kind of adversity for as long as I can remember, by family, by friends, by coworkers, by nearly everyone. It is why I chose to study and develop my ability to be compassionate so that I wouldn’t become like them. It’s why I walk amongst the people like Jesus did, and why I am kind to whomever I can be kind to. It’s why it hurts so badly when people use meanness to dominate and manipulate, to wear me down. It’s a trigger point for me, and when this happens, I often want to walk away and “save myself”.

But this morning, as the staff of Gandalf feels oh-so-good in my imaginary hands, I realize that it’s not fair to have someone bully me out of what is good for me. I also realize that I have to stand up for myself until I can get around people with higher personal vibrations. Yes, I’m enduring a lot of unfairness and the cavalry is elsewhere so I’m charged with handling it myself. But, I can do this. I’ve done it at every major life turn, and I can do it again. (Hmmm… does that mean another life turn is on the horizon?)

I can say NO to people’s unprofessionalism, and I can say NO to being treated with malice. More importantly, I can say NO to only thinking about what I want this website to be; and I can say YES to working on it daily. This is why this blog matters to me. It’s the practice and system of self-management and self-care in a world where everything is heightened, especially darkness.

And perhaps the greatest lesson from yesterday is that I can hold my head up IN MY OWN MIND even if I keep it down at work. Just because I am misunderstood doesn’t make me wrong. It doesn’t mean that I am what they say I am; it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have confidence; it doesn’t mean I should stop being me.

And I’ll practice that lesson any day of the week.

Until tomorrow…