Day 8: PN23

A new week.

Today was a smooth day, one full of ethereal affirmations that so often come when something is about to change because I’m in the flow of life. I have some ideas of what is coming, and I must say it would be nice.

I worked at the restaurant this weekend as a server, and all three days I was fending off people talking with me. I had to end multiple conversations because they were holding me up at their table while other customers were wondering where I was. This happens to me often, but this weekend was different. I could feel it, and after the 3rd/4th/5th time, I realized what was different. It wasn’t my makeup because I was only wearing my foundation and mascara. It wasn’t that I’ve lost weight because, if anything, I’ve gained weight; and it wasn’t that we were slow and people wanted to help fill my time—because we weren’t slow by a long shot. So what was it? ME.

Last night, I wrote a few reflections on the prior week, and I know that today starts the next cycle, but I want to say that in just these few days of taking back my power, people are noticing. I worked today, and as I walked around the restaurant, it was like I owned the place. I’ve done this before, but this time I didn’t feel the desire to hide it. I simply did my thing. No self-imposed limitations, no self-shame, no self-condemnation. It feels good. Week One of the new habits—a success.

So what did I say NO to today?

At first glance, I’m not sure. I said yes to dinner with my neighbors so I guess it can be said that I said NO to eating alone. I said yes to being vulnerable with a coworker about my feelings about being trained in a new position (she helped me identify that I was just anxious) so I guess it can be said that I said NO to pretending everything was fine. But, there’s something else that is really important and that is this: I didn’t meltdown when I discovered that I’d been hacked in some online accounts. I said NO to thinking I couldn’t handle the situation. By saying NO, I quickly addressed the situation by asking for help and by changing passwords immediately. I didn’t wait or put my urgent needs on the back burner. I didn’t say, “I’ll get to it later.” In the past, I was afraid to take action because I would panic. Sometimes the panic was neurodiversity-induced, and sometimes it has been trauma-induced. I’ve lived many years racing through the Fight-Flight-Freeze response with no ability to stop it, Saying NO to it without a second thought is a pretty big deal.

It was a good day. My confidence is growing, and with it, a sense of security in my identity. Good friends, good food, laughter, hope, and inner strength. Not bad… even if it was a Monday.

Until tomorrow,.

(Referencing Mar 6… just missed it by a couple of minutes. I’ll try again tomorrow.)