Day 7: PN23
What a week, huh.
When I began my actual daily countdown last week, I decided that I would make each 7th post a reflection post. This would give me an opportunity to review my NOs over the previous 6 days as well as examine my feelings from a broader perspective. Major life changes are cumulative, and I would like to see how I’m feeling as I change.
I just read Days 1-6, and firstly, I can see how I need to give more context. This isn’t surprising because I live in my head to begin with, and this is something that many Neurodiverse people do. Our brains move so quickly that we think others know all the points of the story when the reality is that we’ve only touched on half of them. Day 1 was confusing, but I was sick, and I was just trying to get this blog started. At that point, all that mattered was getting something published, not publishing something perfectly.
Another thing I noticed is that my posts grew in confidence and intensity. Sure, Day 6 was a big day of triggers, but I also think that as I made this blog a priority, I became more and more aware of how those decades of unbridled yeses have impacted me. So I became stronger in my confidence and my identity. Like I said, I live in my head so much, but it’s wonderful to see the growth happening, too.
And that’s really the biggest takeaway from the week, published or only in my mind: my growth. After I posted about my friend forcing her agenda on me, I relaxed into bed to go to sleep. It was late & I needed to go to bed. Then it came to me: I’ve grown personally & she likely has not. I can’t make that assumption really, but I suspect that. She is behaving in the same ways she always has, whether it was with me or other friends of hers, and my awareness of her pattern makes me expect stagnancy. So I looked to myself. Have I grown? Am I applying what I’ve learned these past few years to create a better and happier life for myself? Yes. I can confidently answer yes because I’m standing in my own identity. And I will write more about that soon enough, but I’m learning to hold my own rather than be tossed about like waves on the ocean. And that, my friends, is growth.
Well, again, I am writing in the next morning because time remains elusive, and I need to tuck it in for the night. I’m not able to review this post to see if it makes sense because I don’t have the time to do so, and I also want this blog to be raw and uncensored to some degree. I’ve held back my voice for so long that to be unabashed and at times unclear or streamy is a relief for me. I know this lacks context, and for that I am sorry, but that’s sometimes how life is. We get bits and pieces of a person’s story, and if we’re really interested, we will stay long enough to allow it to unfold. And besides, this is my story and my platform. It doesn’t have to be perfect because it belongs to me and I love it.
Until tomorrow….
(Referencing Mar 5)
