Bummer: PN23

It is now Monday, February 27, and I haven’t kept my schedule or my promise to myself. I am disappointed, but then I realize that learning to say NO to things, including disruptions, illness, distractions, emotions, memories, and life is going to take time. This project isn’t just about self-care; it’s about changing a long-held mindset of focusing on others before myself.

This week I faced a broken heater in my home, a tax class midterm (high anxiety!), head cold / illness, calling out from work (which I never do, but I had to because of the head cold), as well as trying to get my house better organized on top of the regular cleaning that I struggle to keep up with. Yeah. It was a doozy of a week. And did I mention all the drama at one of my jobs this week?

So what did I do? I said NO to the wrong thing: this blog and my writing. It’s like I had the golden cure in my hand, and then I accidentally left it in the bathroom on a road trip. Fortunately, this is something that is inside of me so it’s never really left behind.

What did I learn? I learned that this is not a hobby. It can’t be. This is my mental health that I’m protecting. But because I’m used to putting my needs and wants second (or third or…), I forget that this is necessary. Of all the weeks I needed to be fully committed and say NO to everything else, it was the one week that I got it mixed up again.

And that is ok. Not perfect, but acceptable because of grace.

We’re all learning all the time; what matters is that we grow from the experience. I truly didn’t realize until today when I was at home alone with this head cold generating everything AGAIN that I really need this year-long project. I need it to help me heal some really lonely places, and I need it to help me bring peace to the parts of myself that are still wounded. I guess I needed to forget so I could remember; I needed to remember so I won’t forget again.

Until tomorrow…