Day 2: PN23
I really thought these blog posts would write themselves, that leading out with “Today I said no to” would be enough. But, it turns out that my life just isn’t that straight of a line.
I’m really taking on the heart of this project by saying no to masking my pain, my sorrow, my disorientation, and my disappointments (along with all the other emotions). Today, I was really aware of how fast time is moving, and how I’ve still not taken care of something that is very long overdue.
My title for my old car. I just haven’t been able to submit the paperwork, no matter how much I try to push myself. I’ve approached it from the perspectives of pop psychology, neurodiversity, Grace, trust, and anything else I could think of. But this morning, one day before my temporary tag expires, the truth landed.
I just hate having to do everything. I’ve self-generated for decades, and I’m tired. Why couldn’t someone body-double me? It’s not that I can’t fill out a form; it’s that doing it by myself again only reminds me of how alone I am and have been since I was young.
Yeah. I just wish someone had thought to sit with me and encourage me through it. But they didn’t. So I have to. Ok. I’ll do it. Boy am I tired…
And then, as the morning progressed, an HVAC technician showed me kindness, grace, and mercy by discovering the REAL problem with my system. He also gave me a good deal on the labor as well as honored a deal I had in place previously. But best of all, when I asked him if the siding trim near the unit could’ve been pulled away from the structure by wind or did someone steal the screws, he kindly offered to repair it for me. “I have some screws in the truck. I can take care of that for you.”
Right when I was saying NO to believing in human kindness, an angel came and showed me hope.
Once I was able to get to work after the HVAC delays, I was gifted a silly but absolutely wonderful mug from a friend. I even knew she’d ordered it for me, but being so lost in my healing, I’d forgotten. All of a sudden, I was holding a coffee mug that cheered me more than I could’ve ever imagined. But, it wasn’t the mug (although the mug is sheer perfection); it was the unabashed demonstrative caring of a friend. I was seen. I was heard. I am loved.
And, since these things come in threes, I also received a kind and gentle text message from a friend with whom I had to reschedule our breakfast for the 2nd time. Her reply, “Let knowing that we will make time for each other give you some peace of mind.” Oh. My. Yes.
It was then that I really grabbed hold of how beat up I am. Decades of covering up because I didn’t have the luxury of time or the healthy support of real friends. Clearly, I have both now. I have a mortgage not a lease, and there is a sense of permanence that comes with that. I have people who see my exhaustion and meet it with kindness and encouragement. Last week, I didn’t do well on my tax midterm. This week, I’m realizing that I’m doing pretty darn good considering all the things. It won’t always be this way; I will become a pro in time.
Conclusion: It’s ok to say NO to anything and everything, because Truth will wiggle its way through so you can experience faith, hope, and charity again. Today I am reminded that life ebbs and flows, and what you need most will find you—even when you say NO.
